{L1S1V1} Culminations. [RainxGinger]

[Glowy]

Rainpaw was so beside himself that he hadn't been able to say anything the whole time he and Gingerstar had been walking toward the training hollow. Today was different somehow. He didn't know if it was a good different or a bad different just yet, but the fact of the matter was that it was different. Something was going to happen today that would change his future. He hadn't had a dream last night. He always dreamed about something, even if it was something as stupid as hunting for something he couldn't catch. But last night he hadn't even seen blackness. He'd just fallen asleep and woken up to a different world. It was disconcerting, to say the least. Something big was going to happen. He knew it as deeply as he knew that he was alive and whole. Of course he was alive and whole. He was with Gingerstar. For this little while, they had one another's undivided attention. But today was different. He was terrified that something horrid would happen. What if today, he lost her? He couldn't see that happening, but it was always a possibility. Sometimes he forgot. Sometimes... sometimes he liked to think that she was actually his. That she could see his heart and that hers looked the same when it saw him- warm, full, bright, happy, and wanting so much to leap right out of his body. He knew that was just a dream, though. His Freckles wasn't his any more than the sky or the wind... or the sun. Maybe today would be the day that he came to accept that. He couldn't see that happening either, but one never knows what the day holds. And so he passed their journey in solemn silence, brooding over everything he would lose if his sun ran away. He'd lost before, but never to this magnitude. The night was dark and full of terrors, but it wasn't so horrible if he knew that the sun would be coming out later. Wait a minute. Wait. A. Minute. What the hell was he doing? Here he was moping about like she was already lost to him! Well, he wasn't about to be a total chickenliver and let her leave without fighting for her. A knight always fought for what he loved, same as a cowboy. He would be a knight in shining... chaps? No. Chaps didn't shine. Spurs did. He would be a knight in shining spurs and protect her from the horrors of being unloved. With a Smith&Wesson. "Ladies first," he purred, now in the proper mindset for some good battle training. He could begin the day by showing her that he was worthy to protect her. Today would be the day that he would finally best Gingerstar at fighting. That would be a good kind of different, yeah?

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[Whiskers [Archive]]

Gingerstar had started off in a very good mood this morning-- an unusual occurance that some cats would say only happened once in a blue moon. She didn't know quite why; she had simply woken up to the birds chirping and felt her spirits lift. Today would be, she felt, a good day. Peeking out of her den and seeing the sun as bright as it was, seeing her clan bustling into action without even a yowl from her-- these were all confirmations that her suspicions were correct. Today was a good day.

Her good mood was actually the reason that Gingerstar decided to take her apprentice out to do her favorite activity: battle training. She had mostly ignored him lately, sending him on patrols or on errands that did not have to do with her, or else going hunting with him and separating from him after a while. This was a natural, necessary distance that Gingerstar felt like she needed to give herself and Rain after they had traveled to the barn and grown strangely closer. Too close. And so she strove to push him away again--establish a strict warrior-leader relationship if only because she was uncomfortable, if only because she yearned for friendship and was scared of what would happen if she got it.

But today felt good, and she felt good, and so okay-- okay she would indulge. She'd let herself be happy for once, and she'd be happy with Rain, and she'd mess around with him and fight with him and maybe everything would just be okay. And okay was good. Okay would be wonderful.

But her good mood was quickly and horribly dashed by none other by Rain himself. She had told him what they were going to do and they had set out immediately-- it wasn't long until Gingerstar noticed that Rain was not quite as happy as she was. He didn't respond much to her at all; in fact, he was nearly completely silent, and walked with his head down as though she had scolded him, which she had not. At first, Gingerstar was so confused she was left speechless as well. Why was he like this? Why was Rain of all cats so sad? And then she had quickly come to the most obvious conclusion-- it was her fault. Of course. Who else had the power to make the otherwise light-hearted tom so blue? She was the one who put him into such a funk, no doubt because he was reluctant to spend time with her. She had ruined his day in a selfish attempt to enjoy her own. Yes, her good mood quickly drained out of her then.

They arrived at the battle hollow quickly after Gingerstar realized this, and she had no choice but to just...steamroll ahead with her plans, though she desperately wanted to be separated from Rain again so she would not have to look at his face and know that she was the cat to make him so miserable. However, when she did turn and look at him, he seemed happier. He was...purring.

Oh yes. Of course. The idea of fighting her and doing her harm probably would cheer him up a bit.

Gingerstar hardened her own heart. Enough of this foolishness. He was her apprentice. She was his leader. She would not care about what he thought of her...even though it killed her not to.

"Gladly," she purred back, her eyes narrowing. And she wasted no time, springing forward and attacking his face with sheathed paws, batting at his neck and face brutally with all the strength inside of her.

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[Glowy]

He took her fury and he took it gladly, hardly flinching as her paws flew around his face. His neck was going to be sore as a greenhorn's buttocks after his first long ride (saddlesore, they call it), but did he care? Nope. Soreness was not high on Rain's list of worries at the moment. What was bothering him was the fact that he couldn't shake the thought of losing his Freckles. He didn't really care about much other than preventing that from happening, to tell the truth. The earth could have begun to shake and his only concern would have been getting her to safety. If fire began to rain from the sky, he would shield her. Hell, he could freeze in a blizzard to keep her from doing the same. ... but really, the attack was just getting annoying at this point. She could be doing much better. He waited a few moments more, then ducked his head down and smashed it forward into her chest. "That all you got, Xena?" He laughed and smacked the side of her head, but not too hard. What he wanted to do was win, not give her brain damage. He had half a mind to climb into a tree and make her chase him, just to make things interesting. Besides, it was better when you had higher ground than your opponent. He had to smile a little bit. It was so interesting how his thoughts changed when he was fighting. Nothing else seemed to matter much. He could see why Gingerstar liked it so much. You could let your stresses melt away and lose yourself in the battle, just like a good story or a luminescent sunset. "Come on, show me what you got!" His tail lashed back and forth while he waited for her to come at him again. Oh, but he wasn't waiting idly. No sirree, he was working those cogs in his brain to come up with a plan of action. A devious plan, worthy even of... oh, goodness. Who was that loner he'd fought while he was on his journey? That small tom with an ego much too big for his britches. Rainpaw had called him Tinkerbell and Thumbelina... ah, Holliday! Yeah, that was him. A plan worthy even of Holliday! Gingerstar was the best fighter in the forest, and he'd need to use what wits he had if he was going to win this thing. He would never be able to use his brute strength to overcome her. Not only did he not want to, but she was cunning, and technique always overcomes strength. She'd taught him that without actually saying it. So, what could he do? It was going to have to be fast, whatever it was.

[Whiskers [Archive]]

Gingerstar's hits were hard and they worked, her blows sending Rain back, his head reeling-- but her apprentice was used to these moves by now, or perhaps his head had gotten harder (not hard to imagine) and he bounced right back, ducking her last blow and taking advantage of her vulnerable space. She was unable to pull back in time to block his counterattack, and Gingerstar was knocked back when Rain gave her a full-on headbutt in her chest, knocking the air out of her and sending stars into her eyes.

She stumbled. He could have-- and should have-- just attacked then. Instead, she heard him laughing and she looked up at his happy face as she was teased, another silly, nonsensical nickname coming from his lips.

Gingerstar should have been annoyed by her own failure, but Rain's amusement just added to her own. She couldn't help it. The sight of him laughing, even the stupid nickname, all improved her name greatly. He was joking with her. This was a good sign in Gingerstar's opinion. Perhaps he didn't totally despise her existence as she feared. Perhaps she wasn't completely alone.

Her glee showed as she shook her dizziness away and smirked at him, crouching, her tail whipping back and forth in the air. Her amber eyes focused in on him. "You asked for it," she teased and darted forward, using a signature Gingerstar move. She combined both her speed and her force to knock him to the ground, the energy behind her movements sending them both tumbling for the moment-- but Gingerstar made sure to pin him in the end.

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[Glowy]

Rainpaw's face screwed up in frustration. He had been doing perfectly fine with his malicious plotting, and then he'd ended up with his face in the dirt! Why did Gingerstar always have to shove his face in the dirt? It seemed to be a favorite move of most of his opponents, actually. Granted, he'd only ever fought two cats in his entire life, but both had smashed his face into the ground. Gingerstar did that quite a lot, and he could never seem to do the same. It was vexing. "Why do you always do that?" For once, he voiced his frustrations with a hiss. This was good. They were communicating! Actually, not really, but he was being honest, and that was a good thing. Alright. If she wanted to play the "I'm-gonna-overpower-you-so-hard-your-nose-will-know-nothing-but-earth" game, he could play too. With a mighty heave he pushed himself up out of the dirt and wriggled straight out of her paws. It was easy to do since claws were strictly forbidden in the training hollow. Paw pads did not make the best tools to hold on to things with, especially not when their name was Rain. That's right. He was a raindrop, rolling straight out of her paws! Wet and slippery, nothing could hold him! Needless to say, his confidence was swelling up like a helium balloon. Maybe while she was stunned at his super-masculine feat of manly prowess, he could get her. No, he'd better be safe. He twisted his face into a look of abject confusion, pointed with his tail, and said, "What in the blue blazes is that?" When Gingerstar had turned around, he pounced. Oh, and it was a marvelously executed pounce! It ought to go down in the books of the ages as the most beautiful pounce ever performed by anyone. Ever. His body curved into a graceful arc, and his paws hit her squarely on the shoulder blades, pushing her body down into the dirt. She was felled. His mighty opponent was downed! His inner monologue was laughing hysterically, drunk on power. Rain used "Tackle," and it was super effective! "Hah! Pinned ya!" he crowed, exultant. Oh, this was fabulous! He'd tackled the best fighter in the whole forest! Unfortunately, he quite forgot his manners and remained perched on Gingerstar's back for a few heartbeats too long. The biggest smile was plastered on his face, a wild, goofy sort of grin that only comes in moments of most intense happiness. He'd won!

[Whiskers [Archive]]

Everything just-- it just all happened so fast.

One moment Gingerstar was fine. She had practically pinned Rain, though she hadn't completely gotten into the proper position, nor pushed down on his shoulders with most of her weight. But this move was usually a clincher-- at least, in the old days it was, when she and Rain had first started training and she could beat him relatively easily. But he slipped right out from underneath, as though Gingerstar was nothing but a feather and he was shakin' her off his shoulders. Gingerstar stumbled forward a few steps, astonished and confused by these events that she could not have predicted.

Maybe that's why she fell for such a stupid trick. Or maybe it was because she looked directly into Rain's eyes in that moment when she looked up from the ground. Their dusty dark green color caught her own , and as Rain's eyes lit up and grew wide, Gingerstar couldn't help but becoming completely entangled. It was just a natural thing to turn around, see what he was looking at. Such lively, joyous eyes couldn't be lying.

But they were.

She felt his weight hit her the next second, and she collapsed under his weight, her face nearly pressed to the ground, the heat of his body flushed much too close against her. Gingerstar was down-- and she couldn't get up. She couldn't get up. She couldn't get up. She couldn't get up.

Panic.

It hit her with an uncontrollable force, as the heat of Rain's body seemed to slam into her over and over. And his scent suddenly transformed-- the forest around Gingerstar transformed, twisted, sunk into another world long swallowed by Gingerstar's fearful thoughts and memories. She had tried so hard to repress it, to forget that that moment had ever happened to her. She had pushed and pushed it down, and she had tried to push past it too, but suddenly nothing mattered. Just as the breath was knocked out of her, the memory was knocked back in and it had claws. And it dug way too deep. Into her very soul.

Hunting, she was hunting-- just a young warrior, barely out of the apprentice den. She didn't even smell him coming. And then, just as she turned her head to the sound of a bird, momentarily distracted, there he was. His breath in his ear, his claws pushing into her flanks, his teeth raking at her skin as he told her it would all be okay if she just stayed quiet.

"Now be a good girl for me and don't scream," that voice hisses.

And just as quickly as the memory rushed into her, it rushed out, and the panic took hold of Gingerstar. Her body moved without even thinking. All Gingerstar registered was the same kind of weight on her body, the same sort of heat and that was all she needed to rear back and, with a earsplitting cry of unmistakable fear, sliced into any part of Rain she could find with her claws, slashing across his face, into his skin-- deep, deep into it.

The panic left her quickly as soon as she drew blood, but by then, it was much too late. As her wits returned to her and Gingerstar realized her crime (and with a sinking heart saw what she did, and with a sinking heart realized why she did it), she wanted nothing more than to die. Die with Sedgekit a long time ago, curl up and let the rain take her too, take her far far away, make it all disappear again, make her better, make her worthy, make her someone else.

Gingerstar stumbled backward, whimpered-- then ran as fast and as far away as she could and she did not look back.

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[Glowy]

Life had a funny way of taking Rain's happiness and crushing it. He had been content with Analucia- not in love, certainly, but he had been happy and comfortable until she had been taken away from him. Happiness had let him forget its meaning (because he was sure that Happiness was a sentient being, somewhere, just like Sorrow and Pain and Love) for a while as he searched for a place to belong, but he'd had no light. When he'd come here, he'd felt alive again. Gingerstar had been the first soul to truly challenge him in... possibly his entire life. In their scrabbling battle, stone against stone, a spark had been produced. That spark had landed upon the dry fibers of his heart and, after a little fanning, had set it aflame. Fire has a way of burning away impurities, and, though it had hurt at first, having his heart burned up, his heart was eventually cleansed and made stronger. The peculiar thing was, though, that this new heart of his only ever reached its full potential when she was around. She had been the one to create the spark, you see, and was therefore a necessity. His heart could not remain warm without her, it seemed. It turned to stone again. He was about to lose his light. She had run away. Rain blinked rapidly a few times to chase the pain away. He was bleeding. His face. It was bleeding. She had almost blinded him. Had her claws reached just a bit further, he would be completely incapacitated. As things stood, his entire head was throbbing from the wound on his nose. Goodness, he hoped it didn't scar! He stumbled to his feet (he'd fallen over, you see, from shock) and spun in a tight circle, all the while calling out for his light. "Gingerstar? Ginger? Where are you? What... what just happened?" The birds gave him no answer, though they certainly created quite the symphony in the trees. "Freckles? Freckles?" Silence. He collapsed and crossed his paws over his face, trembling on his side in the dust. "What did I do? What did I..." His voice was a whisper now, quivering pitifully in the Leaf-Bare air. It was so cold. He noticed how his blood had left little red spatters on the snow; how starkly the colors contrasted. Purity and sin, some would say. Others might compare it to the tragedy of Pyramus and Thisbe, the horrible mishap that was the reason mulberry fruits were red. A few moments later, he noticed how his blood had left a trail from a different source- her claws. He would not let this become a tragedy. The blood disappeared after a while, but her scent lingered. It was so easy to track her over the clean smell of the snow. Her scent was almost as familiar to him as his own by now, and almost as much of a part of him. Occasionally he called out for her, though he always received silence in reply. Wherever she was, she did not want to talk to him. By now his wound had mostly scabbed over- how long he had been searching he could not say, but he was growing frustrated. Where had she run off to? PineClan territory wasn't that large. "Her trees" couldn't hide her forever! By the time he caught up to her, he'd built up a healthy rage. He hadn't done a thing to deserve the attack! It had been training. He couldn't believe that she would be so petulant as to slash at him over a lost fight- there must be something deeper at work here. Still, it had been unjust. He jumped up on to a log and pushed himself to get ahead of her. He ran as fast as he had ever run. His light was retreating! He hadn't thought that possible before. Gingerstar ran from nothing except feelings and possibly herself, neither of which she could escape. But she was running from him. "Ginger, stop! STOP!" He leaped down from the log. Rain knew very well that if she really felt like it, she could get around him on either side. If that happened, he would have to wrestle her down again, and he didn't want to do that. He had been stunned after the hit, certainly, but he hadn't been quite stunned enough to miss the fear that had consumed her eyes. He knew that he couldn't be emotional right now, though. She would never reveal her secret if he was wishy-washy. "Look at me, Freckles. Look." He indicated his scabbed slashes- three that crossed his face from just below his eye to the tip of his nose, and one more that had grazed his cheek. "What the hell was that about? I didn't do nothing. Come on, look. See. It's your Rain." He blinked and shook his head. No, no, no! He was breaking up already! He couldn't soften. He needed to stay stone so that he could make a spark for her. "I didn't do nothing." He restated simply because he was still mildly in shock. "What happened? You owe me an explanation." She seemed so... so small, like a little calf whose momma had been taken down by the wolves. It just about broke his heart.

[Whiskers [Archive]]

Gingerstar ran. Faster. And faster still. She pushed herself even though her lungs were burning, threatening to explode, though her legs were shaking and wanting to give out. She tore through her own territory, and thank goodness it was her own territory. She knew these trees like the inside of her own eyelids and she could navigate through Pineclan backwards and blind. And because she was neither, that just made it easier to escape, to tear through the snow and disappear beneath it. Where she was going, she actually had no idea-- she only knew when to jump, when to turn, and she knew she couldn't stop. Keep running. No matter how much the snow stuck in her toes, no matter how loud that damn, damn, horrible Rain kept calling her name-- no matter how much it tore at her heart-- keep running.

Hadn't she done this her whole life anyway, or at least, from that horrible, unspeakable day on? That was the first day she ran. When he left her in the filth of the forest floor, her legs shaking, her insides screaming, Gingerstar had picked herself up and ran. That was the first thing she had done. She had run through the forest and slammed her body into the trees, scraped herself along rocks and dived headfirst into a river and stayed there until the numbness took over.

Then again, maybe she had never even left that river. Maybe she was there now, and she was just a young warrior, scared, dirty, alone, silently screaming. Maybe she was just sitting and waiting for the river to carry her away, so she wouldn't have to run. She could float. She could sink.

These thoughts made her stumble-- and dear Starclan, her paws hurt and throbbed from the cold. Despite what her mind was saying and despite her deepest wishes, Gingerstar couldn't keep running. She had to stop. And when she did... Rain was there.

She heard him coming but still tried to simply wish him away. For the first time in moons, Gingerstar squeezed her eyes tight and begged Starclan to make the tom disappear. Please, please. If you were ever going to do something for me, do this for me now. Just let me rest. Just let me rest. Please, it's been so long since I've breathed. I just need to breathe.

But Starclan was as cold and quiet as ever.

When Gingerstar opened her eyes again, there was Rain, angry at her, blood trickling down his face, the gentlest of rivers she'd ever seen. Her breath was catching in her throat, her chest was heaving, and she opened her mouth to speak but her sound was stolen from her. She shook her head, her body trembling as it finally began to give out-- she collapsed, coming apart in pieces as she sank to the ground and uttered a low noise that was perhaps the word "please" if Rain listened close enough.

"I can't..." she whispered. "I can't. Leave me alone-- I can't--" she didn't want to see him anymore.

"You owe me an explanation."

Gingerstar squeezed her eyes shut again as though she was refusing this truth though she knew it to be true. But she could still see his damn cuts no matter how tightly she closed her eyes, and she still felt his blood burning on her claw. She couldn't think of an explanation-- or a lie. But she couldn't tell him the truth. She couldn't tell anyone. What would they all think of her? A soft keening noise from her throat threatened to shake her entire body. What would Rain think of her?

"I can't--" she said again and her whole body fought against the words bubbling up inside her, but she was so tired. She couldn't fight anymore. She couldn't. She needed to give into the current and just let herself drown.

"I can't stop seeing him," her voice was hoarse, barely a whisper, "I can't stop feeling him. He's all over me even now. I'm sorry I can't...he's all over me."

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[Glowy]

Seeing Gingerstar quaking on the forest floor was more than he could bear. When confronted with such a heart-wrenching sight, the stone all crumbled away and he was himself again. Despite his best efforts, he could not keep up the façade for longer than a few heartbeats. It was miraculous that he'd been able to get her to speak at all! She was fading. Clouds had come in and were doing their best to chase away the sun. Well, he wouldn't let them! By all that was good in the world, he would not let his Freckles fade! It was almost torture to look at her like this, so small and frightened and defeated. The strangest thing was that he could have almost sworn that she had whispered the word "please" as she let gravity take over her body and push it down to the ground. It was wrong. She was like summer, warm and bright and good, but she was collapsing into snow. She wasn't warm anymore. A few snowflakes drifted down from the sky; he had not noticed it grow cloudy and heavy as he had searched for Gingerstar. They landed on his nose, producing the queerest of sensations. A few more adorned Gingerstar's body. Winter was burying her. In the pauses between her words, he could have sworn he actually heard the snow falling, the barely perceptible swish of wind against snowflake, the softest of sounds. The softest of sounds for the heaviest things, his internal monologue observed gravely. This was "his" fault, the fault of some tom other than himself. That fact relieved him as much as it made him want to find whoever had hurt his Freckles and make the rest of their natural life as miserable as possible. "Who? Who is he?" He dug his claws into the snow. "What did he do? What happened?" His jaw clenched. Oh, he could think of hundreds of ways to inflict pain upon the sorry snake, and he would gladly have launched into all of them at once had the cowpie been there. All it took was another look at Gingerstar and all his anger vanished. She didn't need him to be angry right now. He knew her well enough to know that she could handle the anger department pretty fairly all by herself. What she needed from him was... well, he didn't rightly know. All he could do was try to do the right thing. He set himself down in front of her and looked her in the eyes. They were so close that he could have touched her nose with his own, but he hung back. He had suspicions about what the other tom had done to Gingerstar, and if his suspicious were correct, then a nose touch would probably not be appreciated. Only two things could make anybody frightened of being beaten (two that he could think of, anyway), and Gingerstar didn't seem to have a problem with battle. That option was unlikely. "You know you can tell me, right?" Tenderness saturated his voice, his heart, and everything that he was. "I dunno what happened to you, or who did it to you, but I ain't him. It's just me. It's just Rain. You can trust me, I promise. I ain't gonna judge you or nothin'. I got no right to." You're not the only one with secrets, he almost added, but caught himself. If he said that, she was liable to ask about his secret, his Analulu and his Clementine and his Willow. He would tell her about them, but not yet. "You're safe with me." He placed his paw over one of hers. It reminded him of something he had always seen the twolegs do. They clasped their paws together whenever they made an agreement, or greeted one another, or were sincere about something.

[Whiskers [Archive]]

Here she was in the snow, and her world was in front of her, broken into the pieces of her past. What did they amount to? Nothing. What was her pain worth? Nothing. This suffering and this heartache had come at a great cost and it was empty suffering. The worst kind of suffering. Gingerstar had worked so hard to keep her secrets secret, labored over them and obsessed over them and then forgot them in favor of a lonely, uncomplicated life. Now it was out and all her loneliness meant nothing.

She hated Rain for making her confess, for pushing her, for shattering all her work and making the last few years of her life pointless and useless. She should have chased him out of the clan when she had the chance. She shouldn't have--

She shouldn't have fallen for him.

She shouldn't have fallen for his tricks.

These thoughts raced in her head, making her hate herself even more, while the echo of her ghostly tragedy replayed itself on her back. Yet Rain's voice penetrated the thoughts and filled her. She was falling for him all over again, head over paw, tripping into the storm, getting caught up in his thunder and dazed by his lightning. She could not see a way out of this storm, not now, not ever, yet her fear tried to pull her away from it anyway. It shut her mouth and made her feel the snow in her cracks-- the cracks between her toes, between the hairs on her neck, cracks that went even deeper than that. The snow drew in the cold until it rested in her heart, and Rain could not melt it.

But he kept trying. He kept trying and she did not know why. His voice, still so soft, kept filling the silence, like a spring morning shower, promising something better. Promising flowers-- pink, smiling flowers-- and sunlight and warmth.

Gingerstar took a shaky breath. Her chest expanded, her ice heart cracking down the middle. Then, she lifted her tired, weary, much-too-old eyes to Rain's and let the breath out, let the ice thaw, and let the storm wash her all away. Because maybe he was lying. Maybe she wasn't safe with him-- she didn't feel like she was. But at least she wasn't alone with her memories. At least he was here.

"Rain," her lips barely parted as his name escaped from her. "I-- I--"

She couldn't say the word. Rape. It was ugly. It was the worst of her. But no matter what, stories had beauty in them. Rain had taught her that. It was why he was such a good storyteller himself; he found the thread of light in an otherwise heartbreaking tale and he tugged on it, unraveling the bad to get to the good, to get to the truth that made the story worth listening to. Gingerstar didn't have this talent, but she had listened to him enough to recognize the good in her story now. It had always been there, the one bit of her she had always missed the most, the piece she regretted forgetting and wanted back with her every breath.

She began again, her words still unsure, whispered, half-broken, half-alive with her pain.

"I--I had-- I had a kit once. You probably never heard. No one talks about him anymore," her heart ached with this truth. Hardly any cat knew of his existence; it was as though he was never born. "But I had a kit. Just one. Just one little boy, very small," her voice trembled as she remembered. "So small. Too small. But I-- I didn't want him. I didn't ask for him, I didn't-- plan for him--he wasn't ever mine. He was-- his, and I-- I didn't want him," she repeated. "Do you see? Please. Please say you do."

Please. She was pleading with him, begging him to realize what she was really saying, and to see that she wasn't a monster. That it wasn't her fault. But it was. It was. It was it was and Sedgekit, her little kit, he was dead, and she killed him, and she never loved him enough because monsters don't love and no matter how many times she said please, it didn't matter-- Rain wasn't going to see. He was going to run away in disgust.

Maybe she was wrong. This story had no good parts.

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[Glowy]

"I--I had-- I had a kit once." Really? "You probably never heard." His head shook. "No one talks about him anymore." Why? Rain's heart melted within his chest, softening with the rest of him in an attempt to absorb Gingerstar's pain. At last her secret, the source of all her pain and rage, had been unearthed. They weren't so different after all. Both of them had lost children, although her loss was admittedly more definite. If nobody talked about him anymore that probably meant that he'd died. He liked to think that his children were still alive somewhere. "But I-- I didn't want him. I didn't ask for him, I didn't-- plan for him--he wasn't ever mine. He was-- his, and I-- I didn't want him." ... oh. Her child had... she had... and some lowlife... he saw it all now. He saw why she shied away from contact. He saw why she hated to feel. He saw why she was so distrustful of toms. He saw the clouds that were blocking the sun, and each little molecule of vapor that, up in the frigid heights of that wild blue up yonder, formed a queer kind of ephemeral shield. Had his heart not melted a few heartbeats before, had it still been remotely solid, it would have broken then. Oh, and how it would have broken, too! It would have been a spectacle to behold, the explosion of a raindrop on hot, sun-baked stone. What he really wanted, more than anything, was to transform into an honest-to-god cowboy, human and everything, and take her in his arms and just hold her. Gradually she would quiet, and her heart would be at rest, simply because he was there for her. That was the way it always worked in those moving pictures that the humans had. Oh, if only. His mouth opened, but no words came out. It appeared that he had lost control of himself for the moment. His mind was too busy trying to puzzle out what exactly to say. If he said the wrong thing, she would think he was being insensitive and it would be horrible, oh so horrible and she would leave him and his light would be gone and everything would be dark and horrible and it would die. Everything. Just everything would be gone. It was all he could do to nod his head. Yes, he saw what she was saying. No, he didn't have a brilliant reply waiting to jump out of his brain immediately. What do you... what do you say to that? Dead child. Unwanted. Unwilling. Likely resentment. Pain. Confusion. Brokenness. Alone. There were no words to mend such wounds, not even the three that he kept having to force to the back of his throat. I love you. It was not the right time. It had to wait. What would she think if... if she knew? Maybe the best thing to say would be the complete truth. "I... I do see. I do," he began, voice cracking. "I'm tryin' to- to think... no. No, that ain't it. I just don't know the right thing to say, and I'm terrified... what if I- I say something wrong? I don't want to hurt you." His mind was a whirlwind, whipping about thoughts and emotions with tornado-like force, and sometimes they collided and shattered into countless pieces, adding to the jumble. What if he said something wrong? What good did what-ifs do for anybody? "That's the last thing I could ever want! I lo-" his voice choked off, then, much to his relief. He'd been about to... he couldn't even admit it. Thankfully, it could easily be remedied. "I'll always be here, if you want me. And I don't want to say somethin' block-headed and make you want me to go." His voice turned into a murmur, deep and comforting and warm. "It's okay. It's okay." It was like he was trying to massage her into comfort with his voice. A strange thought popped into his head, then, and before he could stop it, it came out of his mouth. "What was his name? Your kit. What was his name?" It would really be best for her if the topic of the father was not pursued. Bringing attention to darkness wouldn't drive it away. It had to be replaced with light.

[Whiskers [Archive]]

Once Gingerstar had said it-- it being the terrible confession, the confession that hid in her belly like a disease and kept her heavy and sick--she felt it leave her, rush out of her like a river, and she saw it gather before her feet. She had never allowed herself to think of her kit for fear of what those thoughts would bring but now there was no stopping it. The river ran endlessly and it was vicious and cold. The memories came to her, floated to her-- she saw it all there, in front of her, in the snow. Little Sedgekit and his little amber eyes grinning up at her.

Her breath caught in her throat immediately when he appeared as though he had never left her side. Suddenly, their brief moons together throbbed inside her like an aching thorn. She remembered it all. Sedgekit playing in the nursery, his teeny paws feebly batting the ball of moss, stumbling after it when it got away from him; Sedgekit chewing on twigs; Sedgekit curling up on her paw, purring nonsense words into strings of poetry right before her very eyes, bestowing kisses on each claw, on her nose, burrowing deep inside her chest to find warmth.

And then the bad ones-- even more painful, even more vivid: Sedgekit, dragging his body after hers during the journey, panting with every step, little paws worn and bloody; Sedgekit crying in the night, crying in the morning, crying and crying; Sedgekit coughing his little heart right out of his body, shriveling to nothing...

She had been the worst of mothers. There was no denying that. Gingerstar knew deep down that Sedgekit could have survived if she had not been selfish, if she had stayed in Forestclan and endured the torture of living with...him. At least she would have raised her son to be a strong warrior. But he was gone. She was alone. She deserved it.

She most certainly didn't deserve Rain. As she sat in the snow, the memories rushing into her and out of her again, her breaths turning into quiet cries of pain, Rain sat there and tried to comfort her. His words, clumsy as they were, were perfect. Beautiful. She realized that he didn't want to hurt her. And she believed him this time. This time, when he said that he wanted her to be happy and that he wanted her to be okay, that he was scared of doing something wrong, Gingerstar knew that he was speaking right from his heart, and some part of him cared for her. It was just too much. Why would he care for her? Why would he care at all about her and Sedgekit, her little mistake, her little miracle?

Gingerstar was a broken, bitter she-cat, cruel and taunting to all cats who tried to get close to her. Over the years, she had shriveled up herself, her insides growing thorns. She gave up her soul to become a perfect leader and to escape anything more complicated than that. What kind of cat did that? And what kind of cat would care for a cold-hearted thing like that? She couldn't understand why Rain was being so kind, and his kindness, so soft and so needed after years without companionship, was growing inside her, overwhelming her-- it was just too much.

She broke down, her entire body shaking with her soft, strangled cries and the force of her guilt and her confusion and her--her happiness, a happiness that blossomed from Rain's kind words, a happiness that should be ripped away from her immediately. Gingerstar could barely figure out what she was really feeling, only knew that she was in deep pain.

She choked out his name, and she could not stop shaking. "Sedgekit," she answered. "His name was Sedgekit, and he was the most perfect little-- he was everything. And I killed him, Rain. Rain, what have I done? it was all just pouring out of her now. "What have I done?"

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[Glowy]

Rainpaw was terrified. He had never seen anybody in the state that his Freckles was in. She was his light, his reason for being. And she was broken, completely and utterly. Her light flickered with each strangled sob that racked her body, casting his path into shadow. He didn't want to go back to the shadow. He had walked in the shadows for so long that he'd practically become blind. Gingerstar was the sole point of light in his otherwise dark existence, and if she lost her light... they wouldn't be able to find one another. This darkness was all-encompassing, and deeper than blackest night. Her light was going out. He didn't know what to do. What could he do? She wasn't... she wasn't speaking. She was just... lying there. Sometimes a whimper escaped, broken, like she was, but mostly she just quaked and he was powerless to stop any of it. Oh, how he wished he could! He wished that he was a human, then, so that he could wrap her in his powerful arms and hold her. Then the cold that had stolen into her heart would be driven out and she could grow bright and warm again. As things were, all he could do was be there for her, however she needed him. He shook his head gently from side to side, catching her gaze and holding it as he did so. "Ginger," he murmured, smiling brokenly. "You ain't done nothin' but live. I know you think it's your fault. But it ain't." How could he know this? How could he know what she felt like, in any estimation? What she had lost once, he had lost threefold. His sister, before he'd even gotten a chance to get to know her. His parents, when he abandoned them for Analucia. Analucia, Clementine, and Willow, when they had disappeared. And while none of these losses he had ever blamed himself for, save the last, he knew the pain, the emptiness that came when a piece of your heart was taken away. "Trust me here. You ain't the only one who's ever lost anybody. I know what's it's like to feel like you shoulda been able to save somebody, and to blame yourself for their fate. And maybe you coulda done a few things better, but that don't matter anymore. It's all gone tonight." Can't you see how wonderful you are? Why can't you see yourself the way I do? I don't see any of that horrible stuff you see. Just... if you would try to see... She had to know. She had to know now. She had to see how he had been in strangling pain when they had first met, and how she had changed him. How she had taken that pain away, how she had healed his eyes and given him sight once more simply by being light. Oh, but his stomach jumped up right next to his heart and started fluttering from the inside out. What if. There were so many what-ifs. What if she hated him? What if she ran again? What if she wanted him to leave? What if she lost what little trust she had in him? What good did what-ifs do? "I'm gonna tell you a story, Freckles. But it's not like my other stories. You might not like it. But you have to know. You have to know about... about me. You have to know because you have to see me." Yeah. That was the way to keep her trust, Rain. Way to go. Just start off all your stories that way from now on, you big doof. He took a deep, rasping breath. "You remember when we first met, and I said that I was looking for a she-cat called Analucia because it was my job? Well, that wasn't entirely the truth. At least, not the implications of sayin' that, which was why I said it, since I didn't know you and all. Analucia... I gave that job to myself." He paused, trying to gather his thoughts. He had to word this exactly right. "She was... she was my best friend, at the time, and the mother of my children. Clementine and Willow. My... my daughters." His eyes closed then. God, what she must think of his right now. "Ana was the only cat I knew outside my family when I was little. She wasn't just my best friend, she was all I had. We spent every moment of every day together, and she taught me the most wonderful things. You know, a lot of my stories came from her?" A sad smile, a remembrance. "One day, well... you know. Oh, and her parents were so angry! They'd wanted her to end up with somebody else, somebody who didn't live in the 'dangerous wild' but knew how grow fat and lazy in a barn. They threatened to kill me, actually. My parents were not receptive to the news either. So we high-tailed it outta there like we'd had a couple rattlers chasin' our behinds. We made a new life together, and I was content, but... there was somethin' that weren't quite there. I thought it might be the issues left unresolved with my parents and her folks, so I journeyed back to try and make things right." He shuddered. "I left behind my best friend and my daughters. I thought that they would be okay while I was gone, and that they could fend for themselves. There are some things that nobody can defend themselves against, though, like the grasping paws of the twolegs. When I returned home, they weren't there. All that was left were stinking ruts in the ground, made by twoleg monsters, and my family was gone. "I tracked the monsters as far as the next paved road, but after that... all I could do was lie to myself, tell myself that I thought I smelled them behind that bush up there, or that some of their scent would be found around that next bend. I was living for nothing. Emptiness haunted my steps. I kept moving because I couldn't escape from the feelings of inadequacy, anger, and pain that I felt from losing them, and maybe, just maybe, if I walked a little bit further, I would outdistance those feelings. "After I met you and found out that you had no information about them, I moved on and walked through the emptiness for a few more days. But something about you... maybe it was your fire, Miss 'I don't like the way you're looking at my trees,' maybe it was the fact that you were the first cat I'd met since I'd left my old home that actually seemed to give a rip about what I did, even if it was walking away... anyway, something called me back here. So I turned around and came back, and the rest is history." There. She'd shared her big secret, and now he'd shared his. "I just... I wanted you to know that. And I want you to know that I... that you are... that you brought meaning back into my life. That you've given me fire and life, simply by being you. You're like the sun. I... just... you're everything. I love you. I love you so, so much." If he had any more words left inside, they were being choked off by the rising emotions in his throat. They came straight from his soul, the deepest part of it, in fact, and they caused such flutterings in his chest and stomach that he could've sworn he was an Apprentice! Oh. Right. He was. Well. He could've sworn he was a proper apprentice, about a year old or so, and just discovering the depths that his emotions could reach. Good heavens, what would Gingerstar say? He'd said it. He'd said it all. If she rejected him, then he could be rejected with his whiskers spread wide and his tail held high in pride to make his shattered heart, because at least he was bold enough to admit to his feelings. At least he could resign himself to the darkness having truly lived in the light, and having done everything he knew to keep himself here as long as possible. Now was not the time to give in to the whispers of terror in the back of his mind. Partner, you gotta go big or saddle up your swayback and get yourself back home to your momma.

[Whiskers [Archive]]

Ginger couldn't breathe.

She couldn't. It felt like she was stuck in the river again, water rushing over her, filling her lungs. She was choking on it, choking on every word that came out of Rain's mouth. She was confused, she was desperate for his approval and forgiveness, she hated herself, she hated him, she wanted him to hold her close, she wanted to push him away, she wanted everything to just disappear and she wanted to sleep and--and--she was just simply drowning in the chaotic roaring of her own heart, spinning her in all directions. She did not know what to do. She did not know how she was supposed to react.

Take a deep breath, she begged herself. But her lungs had forgotten how to do that. And Rain's story--his deception, really, and his tragedy--was so much to take in. She couldn't really think about that, because it made everything even more complicated, like why he had given up the search and if he was going to leave her one day and oh my goodness, why did she even care if he was going to leave her, what were her feelings toward him, and suddenly she had arrived on the scariest thing of all: love. Rain and love. Rain's love for her. His crazy, stupid love for her.

And her love for--

No.

She couldn't let herself feel that. It was aching. Love ached. And she had ached for years now, yearned for something to fill her up after she had torn her heart out and flung it off to the side for betraying her. She was still too hurt to even dare to pick that heart back up again and give it to Rain. She couldn't.

But she wanted to. Oh, she wanted to! Something inside her reared up in protest--she recognized it as that persistent fool of a heart--to do battle with her mind, which was desperate to stamp all feeling out for the one tom who had given her the time of day, who had not assumed anything, who had been loving and loyal, who had made her laugh with silly impossible stories. Her heart wanted him, but her mind, oh her mind, it would not let it win the war.

Gingerstar took a few stumbling steps backward, her amber eyes glittering with her confusion. Her head was shaking. Her eyes were shutting for just a second, to squash away the sight of Rain and his soft, safe eyes that promised happiness. A happiness she didn't deserve. This was a tom who would love her and then leave her.

"You--you what?" Gingerstar's eyes snapped open again. "You can't. That's--that's--that's impossible." Yes, impossible. Love was impossible.

"You can't love me. You can't. You don't. You're just telling another story."

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[Glowy]

Rainpaw died, and Rain died along with him. There was no need for theatrics or fancy words. He had just been alive one moment and then everything inside of him wilted. She was backing away, eyes wide in fear, and each step cut into his heart as if it were an arrow. How could a dead man feel so much pain? Oh, right, he wasn't dead. Not really. Emotionally, perhaps, but not physically. Damn inconvenient, that. Why didn't she just up and kill him? It would obviously make things a hell of a lot easier for both of them. He wouldn't have to work anymore and she could go back and hide behind her walls of frozen stone and forget he'd ever existed. Except she wouldn't forget that. She wasn't the type to forget something big. She held onto it and formed her entire worldview around it. She took her wounds and encased them in an opalescent coating and clamped her mouth down around them so that she would never lose them. "Ginger- Gingerstar. Wait. Don't go," he begged. And then she spoke. She accused him of deception. And he got angry. He had never been so angry in his entire life. Every single muscle in his body was quaking and he would have liked nothing more than to have found something dead and torn it to pieces. Even in his state, he couldn't muster up enough anger to overrule his tender feelings toward Gingerstar, so he needed something dead. A corpse that he could inflict meaningless injury to. Something he could pretend to transfer his pain and anguish to without doing any actual damage. Enough damage had been done this day. "I'm sorry. What?" His head tilted to one side and his eyes burned, but he stayed standing where he was. The last thing he wanted was to frighten her even more. "You... you really think I would lie to you about this? Come on, Ginger! Don't insult me like that! I really thought you thought better of me. Tom who would lie about the most important thing there is in life don't deserve nothing." Unless somebody attacked him, Rain couldn't stay angry for very long. It was this odd little thing he had. So almost as soon as it had appeared, his anger began to dissipate. Hell, he hadn't even been angry enough to yell at her by the time he'd begun talking. "I'll be damned if I ever sink that low, Princess." His voice softened now, became more gentle. "I can and I do love you. Have you ever had any real reason to doubt it? Come on, what more can I do? What more have I left to prove? This ain't just a story. And you're scared. I can see that. It's okay to be scared. Just don't run away. Please." Yes, because that's your job, isn't it? Rain was terrified. So was Rainpaw. The thing that he had feared this morning was happening before his very eyes and he was so very powerless to stop it. She was leaving. She was withdrawing. He was losing her. So he decided to take a gamble. He could run away first, damn it all! His voice was resigned as he spoke. "I'll understand if you want me to go. You probably do. I've done a right good job of mucking my whole life up, and now yours is included and I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. Please understand that. If you want me to go, I will. I'll leave you alone and I won't never bother you again. Hell, might even leave the clan if it's what you want. But if you don't want me to go, even if some tiny part of you somewhere don't want me to leave, let me know. "Think real slow, now. Don't forget the speed that I can go away, if it's what I think you really want. You wanna know what I think?" He took a few steps forward and looked straight into her eyes. "I think that you're so scared because you think you should want me to go, but you don't. Despite yourself and all the fighting you've done against it, you love me too and you hate it because it's something you can't control."