{L1S1V1} Culminations. [RainxGinger]

[Whiskers [Archive]]

What was happening?

Gingerstar couldn't say. Her mind was racing just as quickly as her heart, but only so it could keep up with the surprising turn of events of the morning. Who knew that today would have turned out like this? If Gingerstar had known ahead of time, she would have just stayed in her den all day, hidden from the world, doing the best thing she knew how to do: be alone. She wouldn't have to face Rain, who for some reason, seemed to want an answer now. But she-- she couldn't. She didn't--she--

Even Gingerstar had known that her reaction to Rain's confession was poorly worded and sounded awful when repeated back in her head. She hadn't meant that, not really. She wasn't questioning Rain's honor or his integrity, she was just so shocked and incredulous that he would ever love her that those were the first words that she managed to spit out. Not an excuse, but considering what she was going through...considering she had just finally confessed her secret after hiding it for a lifetime...and considering that she just learned that Rain had lied to her all along about who he was and what he wanted--her reaction could have been much, much worse. She shouldn't be getting such trouble from this one cat who claimed to love her. She shouldn't have to explain herself or shoo him away all because she had one moment of thoughtless words.

And now what? He was in her face, eyes full and heavy like two weighty moons staring straight into her soul. She felt exposed, helpless and weak, ashamed of her inability to handle this situation like a true leader would. Because that's all Gingerstar ever wanted to be and all she tried to be. It was her entire soul, her clan, her position as leader. And now she was flubbing everything up in one fell swoop and her heart was thudding and where was Gingerstar anyway, because this sorry excuse for a cat that cowered before a silly, story-telling, whimsical tom was not a leader, not Pineclan's leader and not mother to Sedgekit.

"Despite yourself and all the fighting you've done against it, you love me too and you hate it because it's something you can't control."

Something inside her finally snapped-- and Gingerstar came roaring back to life.

Her ears snapped up, her eyes regaining its spark of dry wit and tenacity. She straightened herself as she hardened herself, curling back her lip to show her teeth as she let her anger at everything consume her and turn her into a fireball, blazing toward Rain with no mercy.

"Oh yes, you're the expert on all things me then. You know exactly how I feel and how I think, do you?" Gingerstar took two steps so she was right in Rain's face. "I shared something extremely personal with you and you decide that now--yes, now-- is the time to express your feelings toward me, now when I've barely come to terms with my own problems. I don't know what on this green earth possessed you to tell me such a thing right after you told me you're already the father of two kits and that you were searching for your long-lost mate before you decided to try your paw at clanlife. Think real slow, Rainpaw. Despite how many times I tell you differently, I believe you to be relatively smart. Doesn't all that sound like enough to take in? Let. A. She-cat. Breathe."

Oh yes, she was back. Who knew how or why, but with Rain staring into her soul and telling her how she felt, she was ready to claw back in true Gingerstar fashion. And as her anger and frustration at this whole ridiculous day grew, her anger fed her. She grew strong again. And this time, her anger was not misplaced nor was it twisted or bottled up or filled with sadness. This time, she could use her anger as her strongest weapon. She could finally step out of the river. She could move on.

"I am a leader to this clan first. I am not a victim. I am not your damsel in distress," Gingerstar spoke, and as she did, the words, finally said out loud, healed her. "You can't tell me you love me and expect everything to be okay. And perhaps I do love you, Rain. And perhaps I do hate that. But only because being in love with such a mousebrained tom will be so hard to admit to the rest of the clan," a smile had snuck up on her, her playful you're-staring-at-my-trees smile. "But if I am, it will be up to me to tell you when I want to. So no, you won't be turning tail and running away like some drama queen. You'll be staying right here until I'm ready to tell you. Do you understand your leader, apprentice?"

Of course, she practically just did tell him.

But Gingerstar didn't care. Nope. Because Gingerstar was back.

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[Glowy]

The force of Gingerstar's anger took Rainpaw by surprise. To be perfectly honest, he had nearly forgotten that she was capable of such power. He had been trying to figure out her pain for so long that he'd forgotten her anger, her wrath. Sure, he flaunted it as much as any other PineClanner did to his or her enemies, but it was entirely different to be confronted with it. He wanted to respond in kind, to justify himself to his Freckles and explain away all his imbecility, but he realized that he did not have to explain himself in this case. She would either accept him, hummingbird-bath-for-a-brain and all, or she wouldn't. Oh, the willpower it took to squash his anger and approach the situation from a different angle! Maybe he was a mousebrained idiot. Maybe he should have waited more, sick of waiting as he had been. Maybe he really had been insensitive and stupid, but now she knew as much about him as he did her, and she wasn't turning him away. She wanted him to stay. All of his fears were banished, and he let her angry words beat upon his ears happily. Until I'm ready to tell you. She probably thought that she was being biting and horrible to him, but he saw through her words. She may as well have just told him that she loved him! Oh, and her smile was back! The smile that challenged him, drew him into her mysteries, made him want to discover just what was so important in those trees that she called hers. And so he smiled right back, but his smile accepted and did not challenge as it normally did. "Yes, ma'am, I see. I understand you perfectly. Clear as a cloudless sky on a nice, bright summer's day." Goodness, he was so irrationally happy that she hadn't sent him away that he was nearly choking on his words. This was absolutely ridiculous. "And I'm sorry. What do you say we take a break from all the heavy words and feeling and stuff and go for a nice, silent hunt? Bring back some stuff for the Elders. Do leader-y type stuff and things." He squinted. "Well. You'll be doing the leader-y type stuff. I'll just kinda... be there."

[whisk]

Gingerstar stared at him with her chin raised.  She felt different--transformed, suddenly, like the sun had entered her soul and was shining out of her.  The snow underneath her paws barely stung at all.  The humiliation from before, her pain and fear, it was gone like it never had a place.  Her past had been a thorn stuck in her heart for too long, but with the rousing of her spirit, tenacious and ferocious, it had been ripped out and cast away.  

And she would give credit where credit was due--because it was Rain who had given her the fight back.  

She looked upon him now as he lowered his head respectfully (as she rightly deserved) and as he apologized.  Her bold stance softened slowly into fondness.  This fondness was creeping inside her, taking up the place where the thorn had been.  It had been slipping in without her notice for a while now, making room for itself, whispering this is where Rain will stay, when you let him.  So when she felt it enter now, Gingerstar stepped aside for it.  She let it envelop her. She let it change her, make her softer--which made her stronger. Her eyes took Rain in, her funny full-grown apprentice, and knew that he was right for her.  He had earned her.  It had been his patience after all.  What cat but him could have dealt with her attitude? It made her want to laugh.

So she did--she chuckled merrily, taking a step forward and brushing her muzzle softly against his for the briefest of moments, as tender and barely-there as a butterfly wing.  When she pulled away a small distance, Gingerstar's eyes met his.  

"Good," she purred, her tail giving a playful lash behind her.  "'There' is exactly where I like you to be."

Then she turned, casting a glance over her shoulder at him with her whiskers giving a twitch as the wind brushed over them both, bringing with it the scent of prey hiding in the snow.  "Well?  We have a clan to feed, darling. Hop to it."