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Post by Cloudbat on Dec 27, 2011 12:07:14 GMT -10
 In the middle of the woods. Fog dying. Disjointed thoughts swirling in the recesses of a broken mind. A white, orange, and black face with blank hazel eyes poring over the patch of dandelions she was surrounded in. Blowing gently on them. Watching the seeds float away. Who am I? The question. She was nothing but the question now. It controlled her. It tormented her. Twisting her head, she looked down at her back as if expecting to see the stubs where wings had once been. Fallen angel, Broken wings, Righteous burn, Sinners sing. The verse. The endless verse. Was it a product of her own mind, or had it been…sent? Was it a promise of salvation? Or further damnation? Oh, the scent of a ‘sinner…’ or was it another hallucination? She was fairly sure she’d been hallucinating lately… Her. The bane. The problem. The irritant. The truthbringer. The angel. The savior. So many words. Not one of them even came close to describing the being called Frostpaw. “Pain” said the calico in her expressionless voice. “Pain is a good word for you. It is what you feel, it is what you cause. But is that all you are?”Yes. It was her. Somewhere. “No. But it appears as if you enjoy the pain of others. Answer me this, apprentice – I know you hate me and all I stand for – and who can blame you – but would you scorn your fellow sufferers if they chose to be healed by me? If they could…if only they could…” Brightnose trailed off. It was quite possible she was only talking to herself. It did not matter. Frostpaw would never speak to her anyway. “You would not know though, would you? How much it hurts to not be able to heal others? Oh, believe or not as you like. You’re probably not even here. If it makes you feel any better, I probably distrust StarClan as much as you do at this point. Huh. Not that that absolves me of blame.” She snorted at herself. “Nothing could ever absolve me of blame.” She said in the same deadpan tone as the rest of her monologue, but with a slight tremble.  |
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Post by Rolo on Dec 27, 2011 17:01:38 GMT -10
Frostpaw had been wandering through the forest, as she always did, when she'd come across the Fogclan medicine cat, sitting in a patch of dandelions. She'd known immediately that something wasn't right. The she-cat's eyes were dazed, not properly focused on her own.
Frostpaw's first instinct had told her to run. The she-cat looked terrifying. Frostpaw was well used to dealing with cats who could be defined as crazy, but Brightnose did not look sane and that scared her. Frostpaw, for all her blunt words and tendency to mock, did feel pity, and she did want to help the she-cat as best she could. And she knew, she being who she was, that the best way to help would be to do nothing, since maybe then she'd avoid doing further damage.
Unfortunately, as she moved go go, Brightnose had spotted her and had made that course of action impossible to follow through. She'd begun to spew absolute nonsense. Raving, ridiculous half-thoughts that only vaguely made sense. Things Frostpaw knew she should ignore, should put down to the poor cat's brain being out of whack, and just leave before she got riled up. But it was impossible. The things she suggested... the absolute lies she believed. It seemed that she'd become a demon in Brightnoses eyes too, for some unfathomable reason. Apparently, by shunning the use of herbs and disliking the use of them in others, she liked being in pain, liked inflicting it and liked seeing it in others. What a load of foxdung.
"Well, Brightnose. I may not have liked you, but I never suspected you had the ability to spew such idiotic nonsense." She growled, brow furrowed.
Her voice then took on a mocking edge, "Oh yes, I do adore pain. You're so right. I enjoy getting beaten black and blue, love it even. So much that it's all that I am. My name is Pain." She smiled briefly, before shaking her head.
"No. I hate it. Every day I want to run away to Pineclan and leave those mousebrained idiots to it, but I don't. I stay because no other cat can bear to stand up to those silly kits. They can't take the pain, so I will. And I stay to suffer with them, although there is little keeping me here. Yet, in your eyes, I am some pain-hungering madcat? You really must be losing your mind."
"And as for herb-use, who gives a mousetail what my thoughts are on the issue? If some cat stops using them because I have an issue with them, they truly are mousebrained."
She looked at the she-cat. Funny how this one threw around insults while doing absolutely nothing to help the situation herself. That she yowled about how she was to blame, and did nothing to fix it. What a mousebrain.
"And, you silly mousebrain, if you want to heal cats, why in Earth's name don't you just go and do it? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and looking at frostbitten dandelions and go do something useful. I may only be getting beatings, but at least I'm doing something."
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Post by Cloudbat on Dec 29, 2011 14:33:00 GMT -10
Frostpaw's disdain, expected, loved, felt like a healing balm. She needed this. She needed a different kind of pain to ease her out of this constant pain. She needed a reminder that she couldn't go on like this forever. That she had a duty. Slowly, slowly, her mind began to ease back into a semblance of the cat she once was. Yes... she thought with eagerness, with hunger, drinking in the apprentice's words. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, you have no idea how glad I am you're here. Then she chuckled. "Oh, I'm quite capable of spewing plenty of idiotic nonsense. You should hear me and Finchpaw bicker. It's his fault I'm like this, anyway."Brightnose was happy, unreasonably, idiotically happy. Happier than she'd been in moons. She felt like laughing out loud. Still, she held herself in check. "You know, you are rather amusing. I can see why you steal much of my apprentice's time." But then her face turned grave as Frostpaw grew more serious. "Of course I'm losing my mind." She said softly, wondering if the white she-cat could still hear. She'd known it. But Frostpaw's words has really brought it home. She shook her head, sorrowful. Couldn't the non-believer see it was hopeless? That her suffering meant nothing? It was noble, perhaps, but stupidly so. It served no purpose. "I appreciate your defiance of those idiots, but I think it's misplaced, not to negate what you've gone through. Haven't you ever considered that there might be others who feel as you do, but don't feel like getting their pelts clawed all the time? I watch them; I see it in some of their faces, the way they move. You're not as alone as you think." Cranetail. Otterclaw. Finchpaw, of course. Dovepaw...poor Dovepaw. Maybe even others she didn't know of. She smiled at Frostpaw's comments on herb-use. "I give a mousetail."Yet then the medicine cat faltered. She'd been getting better over the course of her words...but now she began to fall back again. At the question. The question she had no answer to, because it was so closely tied into Who am I?"Because...because...I'm afraid. I'm a coward. I'm not as brave as you. I admit it. I was never good at enduring pain. I fear being found out by the Council, by Volepelt. I fear dying. I fear losing my mind completely from punishment. I fear regressing back to the monster I once was. I know you don't care, you couldn't care, but at least I'm being honest.
Besides, what exactly are you doing, Frostpaw? What could you ever hope to achieve against them? They're all-powerful. There's nothing any of us can do without dying. Though at this point that might be the best thing I could do. Just die. Not like I'm doing any good." She said it all dryly, without any self-pity, though inside her already shattered heart broke further as she knew it to be true. No one had ever cared. No one would ever care. Because no one could. Brightnose was an entirely unlovable being. She knew it. She'd known it for moons. So why did it hurt so much now? |
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Post by Rolo on Apr 11, 2012 14:27:29 GMT -10
Through the course of Brightnose's speech, Frostpaw came to the conclusion that Brightnose's grasp on reality really had crumbled. She seemed to swing from laughter to depression in mere moments, which was not typically a symptom of sanity. However, there still seemed to be moments of clarity in her speech, and signs of at least logical thought patterns, even if they resulted illogical conclusions. Her reasoning was there, but she seemed to conclude irrationally.
Frostpaw had never come across a cat quite like this before. All of them had been rational and had settled what they thought they believed, but Brightnose's beliefs seemed worryingly malleable. Possibly even dissolvable. While being astonishingly guarded. It was a baffling combination.
Which was why, astonishingly, Brightnose may just have been saved a possible total meltdown by having Frostpaw come by. It was something that surprised Frostpaw greatly, but she took immediately with utmost seriousness. Brightnose didn't need coddling. She didn't need someone to sit beside her and pander to her insane moods, talking up her ego in an attempt to comfort her. She needed strength, logic and strong guidance to see her through.
Still, Frostpaw had to sigh. Did no cat seem to understand what she was doing? They all had such short-sighted logic, it was ridiculous. All she could do was explain, and hope that someday cats might appreciate her. Which was something she doubted, but she could hope.
Frostpaw made her fur lie flat, and she approached the she-cat boldly. She sat beside her, her eyes cold.
"You're a coward, are you? That's easy to see. You don't do what you're capable of. You sit and shudder while you could be making use of yourself and your unique skills. Worse, you sit and question the efforts of others, who are doing a darn lot more than you are, whatever their intentions."
But then, she smiled. It was a devious kind of smile, scanning her form, "But, luckily, cowardice is easily cured."
Without a word, Frostpaw raised her paw above Brightnose, and bought her unsheaved claws down upon her. Placed accurately on her flank, she created a shallow wound in a place she knew would heal well and would cause little pain. She did not want to hurt her, only to shock her.
"Brightnose, I have given you a taste of what I go through every day. I'm sorry about that. I don't like senseless violence, I like words. You didn't deserve it, but I needed to do it."
She purred, the beginnings of warmth entering her voice. Her eyes were clear and intent.
"Bodies are not made out of ice, Brightnose. They don't shatter. They don't melt. That wound you have? It's nothing. It's inconsequential in your life, and it will soon be forgotten. Pain does not make or lessen who you are. It is simply something that you must deal with, an inevitable part of life. You have two choices; give into it, or use it to make you stronger. It cannot reduce you. The same goes for your mind, Brightnose. It's not a twig. It can't just... snap. It cannot be reduced, only changed. The only thing to be afraid of is being stagnant, because the moment you stop moving, you stop living. Which is what you're doing now. You're sitting in a field of dandelions, fearing death, and doing nothing but insulting an apprentice who cares too much for her own good."
"Because, Brightnose, I do care. I care far more than I should. I'm no saint, but I dislike injustice and idiocy. And I care too much to even acknowledge the idea that those mousebrained idiots are infallible. What can I hope to do against them? I can hope to win the clan back to those who deserve a life where they can choose. Oh, you keep saying that my method of doing it sucks and that I feel I am on a one-cat crusade, but I don't. I know about the secret rebels. I admire their work. But rebel thoughts do not change clans. You can think and disagree all you want, but it means nothing. Only by acting will we get through to them. So I rebel. I earn their claws. I break the rules. I do it extremely, so other cats can know they can too. Because I'm nothing. Nothing."
She frowned. "Brightnose, most of the cats in this clan don't even like me. Unlike the other cats in this clan, I have nothing to lose. I have no family, no friendships, no status. I can afford to make the ultimate sacrifice and devote myself to this cause. I have the strength to take the claws and stand up to them, to inspire other cats to do the same. To show them there is another way. And, in doing so, I draw the attention away from those other rebels, so they can afford to rebel in thought and maybe, maybe, one day rebel together. And I can't give up now. The moment I quiet down and shut up, the council think they've won. But this way, all I have to lose is nothing and all I have to earn is respect and, if I do die, a legacy. Which is a far better thing than I can ever hope to gain in life, it seems."
Her words were tinged with sorry as she finished her impassioned speech, but she forced herself to regain control of herself.
"So, don't you dare ever suggest I don't care."
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Post by Cloudbat on Apr 14, 2012 9:57:29 GMT -10
Unique? Why was Frostpaw, who hated her and what she did, asking her to - What. Did. She. Just. Do. It was an electric shock after being doused in water, it was blasphemy, it was insult, it was pain- -and then it was over. The expression on the calico's face spoke of things incredibly difficult to put into words as Frostpaw - Pain - spoke again. She hated Pain. Pain had also given her a chance. What should she feel? Who was Pain really? Could Pain change her? Still she listened, though she was tempted to turn away. "The uses of pain you speak of are true. But I fear you underestimate the power of weakness and its ability to eat things. Maybe you are lucky, maybe you are simply a creature of strength. I am not. I never was. This does not excuse my actions, but it is true. This does not mean that now I will not try. You have marked me, Painbringer, and whatever feelings I might have my logic will prevail. And it tells me to listen.
My mind, however, may break. Perhaps it hasn't already. Yet it might. I am the least dependable of cats. You say things can only change, Frostpaw? I have seen madness. I have seen things break and pretend to mend themselves while they are still twisted beneath. Perhaps that is change. But it is an irreversible kind.
Still, to live again would be good. I've been, to use your term, 'stagnant' for too long. I am dead in soul, if I ever had one, so I have nothing to lose but my body. My life will be lived for others because I do not deserve my own now. I will live for what you get injured for, and if I die, so be it. I may wonder why you do not leave, though you are not nothing. You have never been nothing. You are an...integer. You have no defined positive or negative value. But you are something."Math. A strange thing to remember at now of all times. But the term fit Frostpaw the Painbringer. "You are wrong. You have Finchpaw. And if you can't see that then you are more insane than I. I understand your reasons now, or at least I think I do. If you die then FogClan will have lost something. I don't know what exactly, but something."She paused, thinking. "But why, might I ask? Why did you bother to speak to me? I am grateful, but it seems strange for you who despise me and what I do to help. I might be useless after all. Why?" |
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Post by Rolo on Jun 5, 2012 10:43:53 GMT -10
Frostpaw listened to the entirety of her speech, listening intently to the she-cats words. Yes, there were definite signs of sanity here, most of the lunacy was a result of depressive assumptions and not an unsound mind. It seemed the pain she had inflicted had done its job and had bought the she-cat back to reality, while showing that it was inconsequential.
However, despite her intent to sit through the entire speech before replying, Frostpaw could not help but lash her tail at some of the words. She had always assumed it was only the council members and her enemies that thought her unfeline, almost supernatural in her nature and personality. However, Brightnose had just proven that even rebels saw her as completely impenetrable.
But then again, apparently she had neither positive nor negative worth. Wow, that was certainly a compliment to bolster her ego! Frostpaw couldn't help but feel slightly battered by the comment. It was better to be worthless than to try and have no effect. All she wanted to do was question the status quo, and Brightnose suggested she wasn't doing either in any notable way. Perhaps she wasn't making the impact on Fogclan she'd hoped for...
Frostpaw bit back her frustration and slight... whatever the heck that feeling was. Getting angry now, making herself seem like the enemy would erase all the progress she'd made.
"You overestimate my ability, Brightnose." She said calmly, "Flattering though it is that you see me as this vast tree of strength, I do know what weakness is. I was afflicted with it when I was a kit and young apprentice. If you want to know pain and self-doubt, try living with my mother. And even now, I'm... struck with it. I don't want to mourn my existence, but it's not exactly the most simplistic or... happiest existence that ever was. Some days I..."
She trailed off. Not because she was overly upset, although she had to admit there was some of that, but because she realised she didn't want to divulge this information to anyone, let alone a medicine cat she could barely tolerate.
"But yeah, I can tell you that I'm not predisposed to be strong, or not to know weakness. I like to think, though, that I know how to deal with it, at least to a point. I found that it was easier to act and to try and change things than to dwell on it, because action takes innate strength. So, Brightnose, in a way you've just become stronger in resolving to do something."
She looked the she-cat in the eye, before becoming repulsed with how coddling she'd become. Telling an adult cat that she was improving, like a mentor to an apprentice, despite only a little progress? Yuck.
"But you're no less mousebrained than you were a few minutes ago. 'Dead in soul'? Do shut up. You might not like your life now, but you have intelligence... skills, you have the potential to change your life. My hope is that I someday earn respect from my clanmates, as you may have guessed. Ah well, I suppose dedicating yourself to something is a good second choice."
She purred dryly.
"And Finchpaw... I know I have Finchpaw, but I put him in danger and torment him constantly." She said matter-of-factly, "Not intentionally, of course, but to stop it I'd have to... compromise my beliefs, which both of us know I won't do. Ultimately, I wonder if he wouldn't be better off without me. But... I do acknowledge he's there... and I do appreciate."
She said quietly. And then she shook herself, and wiped away the look of discontent that had crept onto her face.
"And why am I bothering to speak to you? Oh, Brightnose, I have so many enemies! Why would I make more of my own free will? Especially with one who is on the same side? That's just pure stupidity."
She laughed freely, smiling softly.
"Besides, Brightnose," she said, suddenly serious, "I know I'm painted as a demonic, heartless being, but I do have a sense of compassion. And we both know there isn't room for more cats to ignore the suffering of those around them in this clan, especially on the idiotic basis that they don't particularly agree with them."
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Post by Cloudbat on Jun 7, 2012 13:32:53 GMT -10
Dullness was beginning to set in after the pain, which had settled to a low throb. At first she was irritated that she'd have to use precious herbs on it...then remembered that most of her neat piles were turning to dust anyway. Not anymore, she thought to herself doggedly. Not anymore.But before she got any healing done, she had to listen to Frostpaw. "I can understand about mothers, if I were to be so bold. My own was not the most supportive, though not as bad as yours." What an understatement. Her mother was an ignorant boob who'd gladly stick her paws in her ears if something bothered her just because she didn't understand it. Then again, Aroara hadn't been cruel like Greyfur. Just stupid. She almost smiled. Not quite, but the potential was there. How purely odd to have Frostpaw of all cats pay her a compliment. If she didn't know better she'd swear she was dreaming. Yet it was oddly satisfying. She listened to the non-believer's next words but did not reply, simply absorbing them. The calico feared that if she opened her mouth some irrational insult might come out and everything would be shot to pieces. Her expression reverted to its former grimness - if more focused - as the silver she-cat mentioned her own apprentice. "It does seem like an unsolvable dilemma. I'd not wish for either of you to be less of yourselves just to please the other, yet with a slight compromise...both of you need allies. However you treat him, I know for a fact that Finchpaw's life would be less worth living without you in it. I'm not even complimenting you - I'm stating your blatant effect on him. You might be a pain bringer but you also bring more enlightenment than all the Council shoved together into a giant pile of blithering cronies." Her own comparison amused her slightly. Again a ghost of a smile appeared on the she-cat's gaunt face. "I suppose that's true. If I were in your position, StarClan forbid, I'd not want more cats out for my blood either." Instantly she regretted the use of the expression. It was pure habit, but might not endear her to Frostpaw. Then she snorted mentally at herself. Endearment wasn't the goal; cooperation was. Getting cats to like her was a long-forgotten, impossible and quite useless waste of her time. In the end it was not a smile but a look of wonderment that made Brightnose's face blossom with emotion for the first time in moons. She realized even she had been suffering under the delusion that Frostpaw was cruel and evil. Perhaps not quite as acutely as her brainwashed Clanmates, but it had still been there. Granted, that didn't mean Frostpaw was a nice cat - oh StarClan no, and who could blame her - but she was still a member of FogClan. Whatever that's even worth anymore, thought the tricolored she-cat grimly. But she still has rights. She's still an individual. She may have wounded me, but I see more clearly now. I've really woken up this time."I know. I realized I somehow thought that too, and I owe you an apology. We may not like each other, you may hate what I do, but we share one thing in common now: the intent of (if you'll pardon the melodramatic phrasing) freeing this Clan from tyranny." |
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