Collaboration of Chaos (CrowxJunco) L0S0V0

[Cloudbat]

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[bg=#a6bee4] I forget the last time I felt brave I just recall insecurity It was not one of her better days. Just a few nicks in the turning wheel of life was all that was needed, it seemed, to throw her day off course. She'd overslept. Made hurried apologies. The unpleasant breath of Swallowpelt filled her nose as the terrifying she-cat had stared her down, making her green-eyed gaze pierce through the silver apprentice's soul and shrivel up her dignity. Now she was starving, and had a thorn in her left back paw after an unsuccessful hunt that had involved plenty of swearing, two missed voles, and an infuriatingly noisy jackdaw. Two thorns, actually, because why not? Warriors don't waste energy on self-pity, she reminded herself miserably as she trudged to the medicine den, her gait made awkward by the stinging nuisances. There are a thousand lessons in failure and only one in victory. Somehow the maxims weren't helping much. "Hey." She mewed wearily despite the relatively early hour into the recesses of the dark and multi-scented den, layered with the infinite subtle odor-tastes of herbs and toms. "Anyone home? I've got a paw full of thorns, a head full of stupid, and plenty of complaining to do." Juncopaw said with a cynical, self-deprecating humor. As if it weren't obvious. 'Cause it came down like a tidal wave And sorrow swept over me

[Glowy]

Crowflower had dreamed of his kithood. There had been no secret messages in the dream, nor had there been any mind-shattering revelations of information. Or, if there were, he had missed them entirely. He had simply dreamed of the day that he was chosen by his mentor. While he had been off cavorting in a patch of flowers and getting his nose covered in fine yellow pollen, his future had been rescued from warriorhood. It had been a pleasant dream. He still recalled the feeling of the pollen on his nose. Anyway, he'd awoken in a good mood. He and Joshua had had a nice little discussion this morning, and Crowflower was holding down the fort while Joshua did... whatever it was that he did around camp. He really didn't know. They hadn't been colleagues for very long, and Crowflower didn't want to seem imposing or anything by getting into his business all the time. Of course, it made communication a bit of a chore at times, but that was okay. He didn't particularly mind having to work at things. Ah, and there was Juncopaw, being bright and shiny as usual! Honestly, couldn't she see how good life was? He understood, though. Everybody reacted to stresses differently, and when things built up, it could be exhausting. The poor girl sounded wearied, and the sun had barely said hello to the world! It was sad. Ahh, but that was what he was here for! "In here, little bird," he called to his friend, smiling though she could not see it. He figured that one always sounded more cheerful when smiling. "Come on in and tell me what's troubling you. 'S what I'm here for. Part of it, anyway." He paused. "Also, your head is definitely NOT full of stupid. So quit saying that, or I'll have to stage an intervention. Drastic action will be taken." Yeah. Drastic action. Right. Because Crowflower was capable of even brainstorming something like that. He just... did things, and was honest, and healing happened.

[Cloudbat]

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[bg=#a6bee4] How could such simple words loosen her shoulders and even coax a shadow of a smile out of her as pale whiskers twitched in reluctant joy? "Chirp." She replied, half deadpan, but half pleased too, carefully stepping over herbs to sit next to the handsome black tom. As always, he smelled of dry, tangy herbs yet they didn't hide his own scent entirely - a hint of musky tom-scent mixed with the pine odor that clung to them all faintly was there. I could live on that smell. She grimaced as she carefully maneuvered onto her back and raised her left back leg to show him the two irritating prongs stuck in it, only the edges of them visible above the inflamed pads they'd insidiously sunk into. "This is the problem. A pretty awkward one too." Being in this...position...next to the tom she liked was a bit embarrassing. But she did her best to ignore it and enjoy being near him. "That's kinda it. Well...your mom chewed me out for sleeping in late, but eh, what's done is done right?" She did her best to shrug. Truthfully, it still bothered her, but she was trying to mend his perception of her. She didn't need to look weak even if she felt it. Now that tugged a smile out of her. "Drastic, hmm?"

[Glowy]

"Chirp." Yep, that was Juncopaw all right! She was always doing things like that to make him laugh. Or to smile. Or maybe she just did them and she didn't mean to make him happy at all. He doubted that, though. They were friends! She must desire, somewhere, to make him laugh, just like he desired to make her smile and stop believing such horrible things about herself. Honestly, would they ever have a conversation where she didn't put herself down in some manner? It almost seemed that she didn't want anybody to think highly of her! Women. If he ever found anything more mysterious than women, the universe would crumble like a leaf into dust. Juncopaw, his sister, pretty much every single she-cat in his neck of the woods... they were all tortuously foreign to him. He understood his mother, though. That was it. He understood no female but his mother. Wasn't that... wonderful? Anyway, it was too early in the morning to be muddling his brain with this. He had a patient. He had work to do. "All right, what have we g-"

[/b] his voice was cut short by a very unexpected sight. What on earth was Juncopaw doing on her back? It made absolutely no sense at all. "Um. Juncopaw. What are you doing?"[/b]

Ah. She was lifting up her paw. So there were a couple thorns in it, nothing he couldn't handle. Everything would be just fine. They were in pretty deep, though... he might have to work at 'em a little bit, especially with the inflamed paw pad. As he applied an anti-inflammatory poultice, he said, "Nah, 's not awkward at all. We'll take this off in a while, see if the swelling has gone down, and if it has, retrieve the thorns. Why would it be awkward?"

"And yeah, my mom can be difficult to deal with sometimes. But, you probably deserved it to some extent. My mother may be difficult, but she does not do things without a purpose. She probably wants to teach you responsibility. Sorry she got on your case, though."[/b] Ah, there! The poultice was applied, and as long as Juncopaw didn't get up and walk around and rub it in the dirt, she'd be fine.

"You can, um, roll on your side if you want. Be more comfortable."[/b] He smiled as she questioned his threat. Eyes twinkling, he replied, "Yes, drastic action. I'll stage an intervention. Go find Bluefur, bring him back and he'll beat some sense into you. Or I'll get Rainpaw. Or maybe I won't use violence, and I'll just brainwash you into thinking good things about yourself using the powerful force of my good looks and copious charm."[/b]


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[Cloudbat]

I'm lying on my back, you silly adorable tom. Was the unspoken response as his face crinkled into confusion.

That's what you think, was her second mental (snorted) response to his reassurance that it wasn't awkward. Sigh. Would there ever be a day when she didn't have to hide her feelings? Ha. Doubtful.

She grimaced at his unfairly logical words about Swallowpelt. He was right, but that didn't mean she had to enjoy it. "Mm-hm. I'll tell that to the scattered scraps of my dignity."

It normally wasn't her way to be sarcastic, but it helped her relax and it was better than breaking down into a weepy mound of fur. A coping mechanism, one might say.

With a grunt she did as he instructed, shifting up slightly and then tiredly flopping into place, her silver and black fur streaked with dirt and dust. The apprentice let out a small mew of satisfaction and her tense shoulders relaxed slightly as the poultice was applied. The thorns might still be in, but the pain was greatly reduced.

Bluefur...gosh, he was gone, wasn't he? With a surge of guilt she realized that she'd barely even noticed the hulking tom's absence. Well, I can't say I liked him...but he made Crowflower happy so he must've had some merit.

Sighhh....he was so freaking cute when he talked about beating sense into her. Augh, she sounded like a such a dewy-eyed idiot. Well, she probably had been that way most of the time she'd liked him. Groan.

Awareness was such a painful, powerful thing. It also made one realize how stupid they had been.

"Those are powerful things, sir. You'd best be careful with their abilities." She nodded mock-sagaciously. "I doubt Rainpaw would want to be dragged into our silly things."

And yet how much I'd like it if you really did use those things on me, my love.

[Glowy]

"You're not going to like every lesson you have to learn in your life, Juncopaw. But you've got to hold your head high and learn them anyway, no matter what they do to your dignity. Heck, some cats ought to learn to be less dignified. I could name a few FogClanners. So having your dignity bruised isn't so bad. It's not like you're dripping blood from a mort-is a bad writer-al wound or anything."

[/b] Um. Okay. Whoah. SLOW DOWN. BACK UP. Crowflower. What was in his brain? That may have been the least soft and cuddly speech he had ever given. Flowers, what was his job doing to him? Was he.. was he losing his sensitivity? OH FLOWERS!

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out that way,"[/b] he murmured, shaking his head. What was wrong with him? "I just meant that there are worse things out there. Oh, by the way, you're not allowed to take what I said and use it to feel bad about yourself. So don't even try. Kay? Kay."[/b] Crowflower smiled again. That was more like it! He had no idea what had come over him. Perhaps there was more of his mother in him than he thought. That could be... interesting.

Crowflower was pleased with Juncopaw's sigh of relief. It meant that his medicine was working! He so rarely got a chance to use any of his herbs that it was nice to be able to get a little practice. He hadn't been sure if the herbs he'd used would even work. Sad? Yes. A relief that they were working? Um, duh.

"I was kidding, Juncopaw,"[/b] he said with a chuckle. "Don't have those power to use. If I did, I could heal all my patients with a smile. It would be like supernatural power! Like in those stories Rainpaw tells. Super heroes. Saving the whole world with their good looks and awesome powers! I'm just a little me."[/b] He shrugged humbly. Oh, to be a superhero. He really would be able to heal everybody. Perhaps he'd even be able to turn back death...

Ah, what was he thinking? That stuff only happened in stories. He was just Crowflower, medicine cat of PineClan. It wasn't even a unique title anymore. He shared it. It was less special than before. He was less special now. Awesome. At least he was good at what he did.


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[Cloudbat]

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[bg=#a6bee4] Astonished didn't begin to cover it. No, that was one of the emotions currently spiraling out in every direction, but it was merely a single feeling among many. Irritation, disdain, and more familiar things such as shame and guilt also coursed through the young she-cat's mind and heart, albeit in smaller portions. "Are you...are you freaking serious?" She said in disbelief, tail puffed up and pupils narrowed to slits after he'd had his pompous outburst. "You spit that out and then try to cover it up with 'sorry'? I don't know what annoys me more: that you think my poor little feelings will be hurt so much, or that you have the nerve to patronize me like that." Her mind now completely free of any romantic soppiness, the silver tabby's blue eyes hardened as she stared down the medicine cat. "Look, buster, I know damn well I can be oversensitive and silly, but don't even think you know squat about learning lessons. What challenges have you had, pray tell? Yeah, your mentor abandoned you, sad, but you're not exactly floundering, eh? When's the last time YOU had to stay out in the raw elements to make sure the Clan was safe or to feed it? Or adapt to a completely new lifestyle? Yeah, didn't think so." However, it was about now that the shame and guilt were starting to kick in and she struggled to maintain her composure as everything she'd said began to hit home. Still, Juncopaw held her head high. She didn't regret what she'd said, but she was sorry that she'd unleashed it all on him. It wasn't his fault that he didn't know her pain, and she didn't want him to. Still...somewhere in the back of her mind it had all been building up a while. She was sick of being a doormat - not just to others, but to herself. It wasn't that she ignored her own needs - earth knows I've sneaked more than a few days off. It was that no one, not her mentor, not even Crowflower seemed to think she could do it without being paw-fed everything and tiptoed around like she was some delicate flower. That she could succeed at all. And a while back, she'd have agreed with them. But now she would show them. She'd show them all.

[Glowy]

He tried not to let it get to him, at first. Crowflower could understand why Juncopaw would be upset. After all, his bitterness was not something that he often allowed to impact his mood, and especially not around friends. It was very odd behavior, uncalled for, and it was completely in Juncopaw's right to be annoyed by it. But then she accused him of patronizing her. Oh, and then she just had to go on. He listened in stony silence, his usual smile drawn tight into a grim line, ears pressing against his skull. "Pat... patronizing. So I do something uncalled for, apologize for it, and that makes me patronizing. Right. That makes total sense."

[/b] His voice held no inflection, but it was deep. His pulse pounded within his ears. Oh, she was making him so angry right now! It was a feeling he was unused to, and so he wasn't quite sure how to react. It was filling his body with all sorts of strange sensations.

"When's the last time YOU had to stay out in the raw elements to make sure the Clan was safe or to feed it? Or adapt to a completely new lifestyle? Yeah, didn't think so."

"I WAS NEVER GIVEN A CHOICE, JUNCOPAW!"[/b] He took a deep, ragged breath. "My destiny was chosen for me. If I'd been chosen as a warrior apprentice, I would have adapted. But you have no idea what it's like when somebody who chose you as his own wants nothing to do with you. Every day, wondering what in the world you'd done wrong. Wondering what you can do to please him, trying your hardest, and getting nothing."[/b]

Then it hit him. This was literally the first argument he'd ever been in. He had never fought with anyone before in his entire life. What in the world? He was absolutely shocked. He should not be acting this way, no matter how Juncopaw was treating him. If he let his anger distract him, he might make a mistake and push the thorn further in or something. "Hold still, little bird,"[/b] he murmured, smiling despite himself. Even during their argument, he couldn't keep the endearment out. "I know you're mad, but don't go,"[/b] he said, teeth clenched around the thorn as he went to bury it in the herb storage room. It didn't take him but a few heartbeats, and then he was back with his friend.

"You know what I think? I think we might be more similar than we both realize, somehow."[/b] Now he was able to speak like his normal self, anger having dissipated. He really had deserved Juncopaw's speech. He'd just been too defensive. "We're both stubborn, that's for certain."[/b] He smiled. "Just... please. Please don't pretend like my struggles are worthless. At least acknowledge that I have them, and that I've had to learn some important lessons myself. Perhaps not the same ones you have, but lessons nonetheless. Don't cheat me like that."[/b] Then silence. He knew what he wanted to say next, but none of the words seemed right. He hated it when that happened, and it did more often than he would like. It was no wonder he had issues communicating with anybody. He was a listener, not a speaker.

"I really am sorry, you know. I don't... I don't get to talk a lot. I mostly listen. So a lot of times, when I try to say something, my words come out all wrong. I know what I did wrong, though. I did what I asked you not to. I'm horrible. Please forgive me. Or, even if you don't right now, say that you do and try. I couldn't... anger isn't something I deal with well. Obviously."[/b] He smiled apologetically and waited for her reaction. Earth and flowers, he hoped that she wouldn't hate him forevermore. She was all he had in PineClan. Nobody else really cared, except his mother. She was his only friend, though. The one one he had who wasn't obligated to like him. And if he lost that, he would never be able to forgive himself.


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[Cloudbat]

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[bg=#a6bee4] I'm not supposed to make sense! I'm supposed to be justifying myself! She wanted to snarl, but even to her that sounded stupid. It was not in the tabby's nature to be angry, and as it quickly faded she began to tremble as shame filled her up like a filthy hole in the ground. She looked away in the dim light of the den, unwilling to meet his eyes. Now that he'd picked apart her accusation with the most basic of logic, it seemed unspeakably kittish. Why could she never grow up? Was she destined, always, to be the most stupid, most unworthy, useless, weak creature alive? She flinched at his words, though she knew she had no right to, springing to her paws (fueled by fear) and taking clumsy steps backward and bumping up against the wall. Roots squished under her paws, sending a damp, lichen-like scent into the air and she winced. Is there nothing I can't ruin? But she realized that she should focus more on Crowflower and not her own stupid, selfish feelings. "I-I-I...I don't. B-but I d-do know w-what it's l-like to t-t-try to p-p-please s-someone and f-fail. I-I c-can imagine." She mewed weakly. Brilliant, Junco. THAT'LL make him feel better. Her paw interrupted with its throbbing, despite the absence of the thorns. Clearly it did not like being trodden upon, and with a sudden upswing of pain she gasped and collapsed on the floor, gangly limbs tangled awkwardly. Tenderness? But...no. She could deal with his rage. Even his pity. But I do not deserve...I never deserved...this. It just opened up a huge box of hurt and guilt and love and confusion. "H-how? We're...nothing alike." She breathed. "I-I'm not r-really stubborn. J-just r-r-r...reckless." She hung her head, almost shoving her face into the dirt. "N-no. I kn-know my a-a-pology will sound h-hollow...b-but I kn-know I shouldn't h-have s-said that, b-because it's n-not tr-true. Y-your struggles are just d-different from m-mine." "D-don't be." She laughed shakily. "I d-don't r-regret w-what I s-said...well, m-mostly...b-but I sh-should not have s-s-said it t-to you. You c-couldn't be h-horrible i-if you tried. I...I kn-know w-what h-h-horrible is like." The apprentice shuddered. Then she finally looked at him again, with sad blue eyes surrounded by worried creases on black stripes. "Th-there's n-nothing to f-forgive."

[Glowy]

Flowers, Juncopaw could be so maddening sometimes. She just seemed so small. Small and hurt and frightened, exactly the type of cat that Crowflower was drawn to. He could fix her. He could make her stop feeling small and pathetic. Perhaps he wouldn't be able to drive away all the pain, but that rarely happened when dealing with injuries of any type, even with poppy seeds. Poppies were so beautiful, tall and bright and wonderful, entirely unashamed of what they were. She could be like that one day. His thoughts were incredibly disjointed at the moment. He kept making the most bizarre connections. Juncopaw, a poppy. Pfffft. What was he thinking? His brain kept spinning in circles and made him shake his head. It didn't help at all that everything she said had a lovely little stutter attached. The whole situation was a bit too much for him to process at the moment. "Goodness, bird, what's with the stutter? I'm not THAT scary,"

[/b] he joked, but her speech was unchanged. Lovely. He must have really shaken the poor girl. And flowers, the look she'd had on her face when she'd backed away from him...

His head hung in shame. She said that he wasn't horrible, but if he wasn't why had she been so frightened? Why had she nearly run away? It had taken the thorn in her paw to keep her here. Nothing to forgive, pfah! She was ridiculous, but the ridiculousness was touching and he gave a half-hearted smile despite himself.

"No, Juncopaw, you're stubborn in your own way. Not violently stubborn, but you cling to all your wrong ideas about yourself like they're... like they're all you've got. Like if you squeeze them tightly enough, they'll break and they'll miraculously transform into what they're not. You are not horrible, you arenot worthless, and you are definitely not a failure in any sense of the word." Not that she'd specifically said all those things about herself, but she was probably thinking them, if he knew her at all.

"We're similar in that we're difficult to understand, little bird."[/b] Crowflower ran a paw over his ear, smiling gently. He could have expanded upon his thought, but he thought that it was perfectly sufficient as it was. Of course, he was probably wrong, as he was about many other things, especially social things. Why else would he still feel alone in his home? Only when he was with Juncopaw or Finchpaw did he feel the opposite. His work was satisfying, yes, but it wasn't quite enough. There was something missing. Friendship? Companionship? His brief times with Finchpaw were no long enough to sate his hunger for somebody, anybody to begin to understand him. At times he felt that he was a seed being kept underground, unable to grow because the world was too cold. He was alone in the dark, and only with time would his world warm, enabling him to grow.

Stars in the sky, he needed Juncopaw. He needed her desperately. Only she stayed around after getting what she needed from him. That darkness? The cold? It started disappearing when she was around, though she probably couldn't even see it. Because she chose to keep his company, his world got better and brighter. Couldn't she see? Probably not. Because he had no words for anything that important. He could help others, but not himself, it seemed.

He looked into her eyes, tilting his head to one side, trying to discern the source of her pain. Those eyes held age beyond her meager 10 moons. Sky and earth, they were beautiful. "If you have something important to do, you can go. But," please don't go, not yet, he thought, pausing, grasping for words. "Be careful not to put too much weight on that paw. It'll still be tender."[/b]


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[Cloudbat]

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[bg=#a6bee4] Everyone is scary when you're afraid, my love. Even the gentle crow with the flowers. They say black is just one color, but it's not - sometimes you're the black of a soft, warm summer night but now you're the black that encroaches upon the little bird, even if she deserves it. "B-but I...I don't." She said, half wonderingly, half in disbelief. "I try and throw them away when they cling to me, like a second pelt, but they just come again even when I burn the ground where they grow..." Oh heck what was she even saying. Who cared. He would understand. "Oh hush. I wasn't even thinking those." She huffed, but it was half-hearted. The silver tabby knew what she'd been - well, still could be - like. "I just want to be strong, that's all." She looked away at his uncomfortably true words. Perhaps she was difficult to understand, even though the apprentice had always thought of herself as simple. A lost fledgling with a hopeless crush who wished one day to fly among the leaves. That was always how it had been. But she broke into a tender, hesitant smile that filled her face as she struggled up and attempted to sit with some measure of decorum. "Nah, Crow. My most important business is right here." Teasingly, she tapped him on the nose with the recently poulticed paw. It still hurt a bit, but she could do that quite happily.

[Glowy]

She really couldn't see, could she? Oh, she was so, so blinded. Was it because she was unable to see what she was, or because she wouldn't allow herself to? Was it stubbornness that was blocking her view and keeping her entrenched with all the muck the world had thrown at her. Sometimes muck was good for growing plants, to be used as fertilizer, but too much of the muck would irreparably damage the plants. All you could do in that case was dig it up and re-plant it under a very, very watchful eye and hope that the world's excrement hadn't worked its way too deeply into the roots. Of course, she did acknowledge her own faults. She was not completely blinded. Her vision was simply consumed by the faults and she could not see beyond them to everything wonderful that she was. What a pity. If she could see how bright she was, would she still care about a few little shadows? How could he help her see the light? Not that she wanted his help, it seemed. Or did she? She didn't sound angry or standoffish, just overwhelmed. Why did she have to be so boggling? Where in the blazes was his father when he needed advice? ... he had never wanted advice from his parents in his entire life. What was Juncopaw doing to his family dynamics? This was so difficult for him to grasp. His mind wandered too much. He needed to concentrate. "Is that so? Maybe you need more than one fire, then, songbird,"

[/b] he said with a smile. Of course he understood her. And he understood what she needed now, he thought. Nobody could cleanse themselves of the world's excrement through their own efforts alone. They needed a helping paw or two. Since nobody else was seeking this kind of help from Crowflower, they'd have a decent chance of actually making some progress.

"Excellent. What do you say we take a stroll? You feel like your paw's up to it?"[/b] His head tilted questioningly. "Or we could stay here and talk. Whatever you want."[/b]


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[Cloudbat]

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[bg=#a6bee4] For some reason his words made her blush, though she didn't know why. Thank the earth for fur. "What kind of fire, healer? Where would I get it?" She said playfully, going along with his title for her by giving him one in return. You're not the only one who can fool around with words, my love. The silver tabby mock-huffed and sat up perfectly straight, trying to look down her nose at him even though he was taller. "My paw is up to smacking you for your impudence, young tom. I'm more than ready. Say..." She said, her speech trailing off but her face perking up as her black-tufted tail twitched in the scattered bits of leaves. "...I don't think I have any specific duties today except for the sunset patrol, so maybe I could take you the Twolegplace where those plants I told you about grow?" HaHA! That was sure to impress him. Juncopaw has been wounded but she comes back brilliantly! Bwahahaha! ...if he agreed, that is, and didn't think it was a stupid...oh, shut up doubts. Let me be happy for a little while. To distract herself from the turmoil of her mental world, she examined the paw in question. It did hurt a bit, but the the thorns were gone, the spiderwebs were bound tightly, and the mushy stuff had sunk in pretty well. It really was healing nicely, posturing or no.